I'm so moody. I can't figure out how I'm supposed to feel... I'm caught in between the lines of what is real and what is fake. Heck, if I'm not sure if the DAS is real, or if this blog is real, or if Shady or Lullaby or Mystery are real, or if I'm even sitting at a computer in reality... This is my life.
My life is a lie. Slender Man is the only thing that I know, in fact, is not a lie. I'm hurt, and confused, and angry, and sad, and depressed, and excited, and sad, and... filled with an urge to kill. If you follow Mystery's blog, you probably already know about what happened with MASC... The background check... My family is dead. I... don't know what to say. This feeling... hurts. My stomach is flipping. Whenever I think about it, I can't even comprehend the possibility of them being gone... My mom is dead, poisoned. My dad was killed in a car accident... I don't remember any of this happening. How did the Slender Man keep me from finding out...? It was only a week or so ago that I remember seeing my father's face...I'm still infected. I'm still living in an illusion. I thought I was free... but I'm still seeing life through stained glass. He's still manipulating me like a puppet.
As for theAdvocate, I know it was him. He had to have been the proxy that killed my mom. The report said that someone slipped cyanide into her drink, if I remember correctly. He left his calling card, and... and I'm just finding out about this now. I'm... I'm not a violent person unless I have to be. I don't seek out trouble, but I promise that I am going to kill theAdvocate next time he shows himself.
Which could be sooner than we know. Shady is his new fascination, I'm sure he'll be watching her.
Things are... crazy. I thought things would be different, and I'll admit they are.... but Slender Man is still as much as a pest as he was before. I keep having dreams about my family...and I had a dream last night that really really disturbs me. It was the attack... Thuggee's attack on the mansion. I don't know why I was dreaming about it... but I saw things and... I think I might need to take this to Mystery. She knows more about magic and spirits than I do. Maybe the dreams have some kind of relative importance.
Lullaby is the only person I've been talking much to, recently. Mystery tried to comfort me and make small talk the day I found out about my family...but I've basically kept to myself since then. Everyone seems so busy with MASC that I've tried to keep out of the way. I haven't been able to write very much, lately. I feel wrecked. My eyes hurt, and part of me wants to sleep... but part of me wants to avoid dreaming, and knows that sleeping won't fix the pain I'm feeling. Lullaby has really helped though, she is a comfort... I...
I'm an idiot. I'm slipping up, all of the emotional crap I'm going through his influencing my judgement and it's a little scary. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't with everyone at the mansion...
How does Slender Man do it? How does he manipulate our lives so brilliantly, without leaving any sign or evidence that can be used against him? It's like... he puppeteers us, and then slips away into the shadows to avoid the public eye. Of course, you have YouTube Channels and videos that claim to have caught him on camera... but it's so hard to know what is real and what isn't.
TheAdvocate is somehow tied to my past. I don't have absolute proof, but I just.... I have a feeling that he's been stalking me my entire life, doing Slender Man's dirty deeds for him. I'm just surprised that he never harassed me until after Shady broke into my house. Does he know about our past? I wonder if he is as in the dark as I am. Its almost humorous... I think Slender Man withholds information from his own followers. What is his game? What does he gain from deceiving his servants as well as his victims?
He's like a freaking anorexic puppeteer (satire).
I don't know if anything I'm doing in this life is real or not... I remember reading somewhere that "when you don't know what is real and what isn't, you should cling to what you know is absolute truth, no matter what it is".
I'd rather cling to a possible illusion, like Lullaby or this blog, then cling to Slender Man. No matter how concrete he is, I will NEVER cling to that monster for my sanity. That's a total contradiction in itself.
I'm going to try and bring this post to a close soon. When I get angry, I can ramble on and on about something and I don't want to write a novel on accident. I'll finish up by saying a few things:
1. I won't be asking very many questions on this blog in the future... Now that I'm with the DAS, I can usually just ask them directly. If I learn something important from them, I'll post it here for the readers.
2. I intend to start writing about my past life in the next post. I'm sorry its taken so long to get to.
3. If you have any information about theAdvocate or about anything that might be relevant to what I've talked about, I'd appreciate it if you posted it in a comment.
4. Stay alive, and find yourself a group like the DAS to join if you are being openly stalked by the Slender Man or any of his goons.
5. I'll try to be back on this week to make another post.
P.S. No matter what MASC says, I will always be (almost) a doctor.