Saturday, April 14, 2012

Entry 1?

      I have not been sleeping very well. Is it possible to stop writing? I'm uncertain. I have far from an eternity to record my knowledge concerning the things that creep during the night and often the day as well, how can anyone expect a man to sleep with such responsible laid before him? 
     I could die tomorrow by the hand of Thuggee or some other horror and then what would happen? Would I possess the empty body of the cat that housed me for so long and wait patiently for a new body to come along? I think not, no... If Thuggee has the oppertunity, he will kill my body and consume my spirit... He consumed his lapdog's soul, didn't he? What law of magic says that he can't do the same to me if he finds me. Then what good would I be? 

     I have limited time to write before he tries to eat my essence and I have utilized all of the hours at my disposal for this purpose. I have countless pages of information concerning the movements of the enemy, his methods of sabotage and warfare, his powers and abilities.... his strengths and weaknesses. Very valuable information. The only fault in my work is that it is all quite complex and must be fit together like a puzzle. If you do not read one chapter of instruction, the other chapters will be useless and I am far from completing my writings.

     Time is not on any man or woman's side now. It is purely a game of speed. I must perfect my quick draw...

     So, I have committed to this project and have achieved a great deal in a short amount of time. Mystery, if only you were here... you would love to hear what I have to say. This was your forte, wasn't it? Magic and spells and spirits... I can't wrap my head around any of it. I have the knowledge, but not the understanding. It is... unfortunate. I wonder if it would be different if I had had more time to examine Thuggee's mind? 

     Having lived within the form of a cat for an extended duration of time, I have had a lot of time to consider some things of deep importance to my life. Doctor Proctor's Enigma. After I saw behind the veil of Thuggee's illusions, things started to click and now I've... seen into another world. Figuratively speaking. I believe that it would be completely appropriate for me to begin again with this blog at good old Entry 1 and this time I will examine the curious case from a new perspective. Perspective is funny in a very morbid way, sometimes... 

     My point is, I have been enlightened since leaving my previous body, the body of Casey (Who I still am, but at the same time am not). Though questions still float behind my eyelids, I have answers that I did not have before. I am closer to the solution to the equation... I just have to find x. Knowledge is such a blessing and such a curse!
     However, this is just the beginning. The skeptic in me still battles against all of this, I continue to question everything I have seen and experienced... Needless to say, it is hard for me to trust most things. Is any of this real? Was any of it ever real? I have been deceived far too many times and I have awoken from many dreams within illusions within dream within what might just be reality. Is the ground beneath my feet truly there? Is this all some phase in a bigger plot by a bigger puppet-master than the Slender Man or Thuggee?

     Well, I now have answers to past questions and that is enough. I need not worry myself to insanity about something that I have no control over... If this is all just an elaborately schemed dream, I can do nothing about it. Perhaps someday I will find an unquestionable reality, but that is not my concern as of now. Pondering for too long on such a topic would drive any man insane. Just thinking about it provokes my mind to headaches. 

     Bah, but this new perspective... it changes thing! My past, my present, and my future are all shifting into place within my mind like weights sliding around on a scale. Yet, everything is the same. No matter how many answers I find, no matter how many questions are raised, there will always be the uncertainty of it all. My skeptical thinking refuses to let the paranoia die. All I know is what I know, and if that is real or not... Well, I have to play with the cards I have been dealt. 

     Pardon my rambling. These thoughts, theories, visions... my imagination... it will all be my ultimate curse, my load forever... Too many questions to ask and not enough answers. I will find the answers someday though, if I do not die tomorrow or the day after that.

     My perspective is not the only thing that has been strangely altered. Shady... Shady has changed as well. Friends and enemies alike change. Things have been rearranged...As the weight shifts and the pressure builds, we are all forced to adapt to survive. 

      I can taste the tension in the air, a bitter breeze that threatens to overwhelm my lungs with its sharp flavor. Shady has so much to deal with, and I am of little assistance to her. I wish there was someway I could lighten her load, but my attempts... they are less than helpful. Looking at my track record, though, I doubt there was ever a time that my presence was beneficial. This.... this is one of the driving forces behind my new ambitions. Every scrap of knowledge and information I have locked within my head, if I can record all of it imagine what Shady can do with it. Perhaps in this way I can redeem myself for the horrible things connected to my past.

     I was my greatest enemy and I never realized it. Thuggee used me to infect DeMii with his heir... I feel horrible. I am such an idiot, in this sense. He played on my emotions when I was weak and worried and... now that little girl that I loved so much and the woman who gave me stability and a family... They are both ripped away.

     My daughter is a murdering sociopath and DeMii was her first real kill...

    All of this thinking about Thuggee evokes much concern within me. How much of it... how much of it was Thuggee and how much of it was Doctor Proctor? Am I really who I thought I was? Am I a monster?

     I feel disgusting when I think about these things. I am so uncertain about somethings. Too many questions!

    I should return to my work... I should, but I think I will retire for a little. I can really feel my mind slowly wearing out, I need to recharge my batteries. This body can run for a very long time on very little energy, but I'm starting to crash. I plan to set up a spell tonight that will allow me to record my dreams, it could be helpful, but I may fail horribly and end up putting a curse on myself. Haha no pain no gain, I guess.

Good night people of the internet, I hope you have enjoyed Entry 1 and that I did not make too many spelling errors.
- Doctor Proctor


  1. Your entries help. Talking to you helps, reading your notes help. Ramblings tell me more than usual conversations. You're not useless or a burden, Proctor. You getting the information organized and out is a top priority. It's an important job that will benefit everyone. You're doing more than you know to help out.

    Information or not, I'm glad you're back.

  2. Seeing you around again is like being told the sun will shine once more when all was dark. I don't know you very well, but just reading your words is uplifting. Like, I don't know.. maybe we have a chance. Maybe we can all have another shot at getting things right.

    Either way, it IS good to see you. I'll drop you an email anytime you ask it. Truth be told, any friend of Shady's is a friend of mine. Even the.. unsavory ones.