I've got a couple of things say in this post... Where to begin is what I'm struggling with.
I guess I might as well start with Lullaby... who isn't actually Lullaby, in reality. She came out about being someone named Dollmaker, but now she has asked that we all refer to her as Demii. I'm very confused. I'm not upset or mad, I don't feel betrayed or deceived... I just wish I had all the facts straight. Demii and I have been talking and I've been trying to figure it all out in my head, but thinking about it hurts. I don't understand it, and I'm worried about her. I'm worried for her safety, for what is going on inside of her. I don't want to see her hurt. I promise, Demii, I'll protect you. If you need me, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm here for you. I'm here for you entirely. I love you, even if you aren't Lullaby.
Next thing I have to talk about is these dreams... They are rough. I don't know what's wrong with me or what's going on inside my head, but I can't stop seeing theAdvocate when I close my eyes... and that's not the worst part. I keep having vivid dreams about Thuggee, as well. I don't know how those two are connected, but for some reason they are always waiting for me behind my eyelids...
I've been worried about what's going on in my subconscious, so I took the dreams to Mystery for advice. She thinks I might be developing some-kind of unhealthy obsession... That could be a possibility in the context of theAdvocate, but I don't have a beef with Thuggee. He's never done anything to me, and I've only glanced at his blog once or twice since he launched the attack on the mansion. Part of me wonders if I have some kind of subconscious rage against the freak because he attacked my friends in the DAS... but.... I don't know for sure.
In the end, its just another thing to worry about. Mystery is concerned, and suggested I talk to one of the MASC psychologists... I'm not happy. I... I don't want to deal with psychologists again. My head is hurting, and I'm not in the mood to think about it.
I have a bad past with psychologists... but I have a lot of bad things in my past. I'm afraid that these dreams will develop into something more, though... I need to talk to Demii about this. I can't make the decision on my own.
What is wrong with me. What is wrong with my brain?
I'll be back to write more tomorrow. I managed to develop a headache from writing this post.
- Doctor Proctor